Pretty Fly... (for an old guy)
It's all about location...

By Roger Richards

I have just finished putting race dates on my calendar for 2006. That is the events that are planned as of now. I fully expect to re-arrange it a bit as new events crop up during the course of the year. As I have mentioned on a few occasions in this column, I love to travel and drive around the country. This is going to be a banner year for me in that respect. As I review my schedule, it appears that from the test schedules in January until after the awards banquets in November, I have two free weekends. Most of the folks that I know would be looking forward to the break, but I am worried about getting bored on those weekends.

After a few years of traveling around the country and chasing my friends who drive fast cars, I have collected a few observations of my own and combined them with some provided by other friends scattered around the United States. While I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth to be blessed with the unique opportunity to be able to travel and have fun and eke out a living doing so, some things still strike me as unique to certain areas of the country.

 

You probably live in:

Phoenix, Arizona if.....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. The "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads, if you will.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

 


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California if...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

 New York City if...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4 You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

 Maine if...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

 Deep South if...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from ' round here, are ya?"
4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
5. “Over yonder” is a specific direction

 Colorado if...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

 Midwest if...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
 

Florida if…

1. You have first hand knowledge of the list from Maine and New York
2. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
3. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
4. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
5. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
6. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

Amarillo, TX. if…

1. Rainfall is measured in hundredths of inches.
2. You think one of the major food groups is enchiladas.
3. The official town “bird” is a helicopter.
4. You’ve seen rain, sleet, snow and thunder all in the same storm.
5. An inch of rain causes streets to flood, but it takes a foot of snow to close schools.
6. You don’t feel out of place wearing a Stetson to the ballet.
7. You’ve had to pull over and remove tumbleweeds from the grill of your car.
8. You have canceled many golf games due to tornados.
9. You’ve never seen smog
10. When the sirens go off, it is a signal to go look for the tornado.

Seattle if…

This portion of the list has been deleted intentionally because Susan Wade will hurt me severely when we attend the first event together in Pomona if I make any unfavorable comments about her part of the country.


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