Here are the rules –

The field was seeded by reader vote. The participants are paired on the standard NHRA professional eliminations ladder. Each story represents an elimination run for the participant. The readers will judge each war story on the merits of (A) believability and (B) entertainment value. Please do not vote based on popularity. You are the judge and jury and vote accordingly.

Voting lasts for three days per elimination match. Once a driver advances to the next round, they must submit a new war story.

This is an event based on fun and entertainment value, so with that said we’re hoping that we don’t get letters of legal action and a black Crown Victoria in our office parking lot, the latter being directed at Pat Musi and Roy Hill.

This is drag racing with no red-lights, disqualifications and plenty of oil downs minus the clean-ups. Please enjoy as each of our competitors tell their own stories.

January 5, 2008

#11 Qualifier – Roy "Hillbilly" Hill
WAR STORIES CLAIM TO FAME – Pro Stock Racer Who Never Met A Nitrous Bottle That He Didn't Like

First Round - defeated Shirley Muldowney
Quarter-finals - defeated Don Schumacher

GIVE ME THOSE TICKETS AND FAHGETTABOUTIT

My next story goes back to when Steve Earwood and myself in our early days with Rockingham Dragway.

We had worked our butts off to purchase the track. We’d put together a deal with Frank Wilson and T. Wayne Robinson to not only buy the track, but to also get the Winston Invitational.

If you’re from the south, then you know we do things a lot differently than they do around the rest of the country.

We were under a lot of pressure that first year before we had that Winston race. The first race was scheduled for April and we had just put in a new concrete starting line that went all the way to the eighth-mile.

We did it the week before the race and we just had a lot of pressure on us. It wasn't smooth, it wasn't flat and we found that out on the first bracket race. They said we'd never have the track done. Jeff Byrd, also with Winston, came by on Sunday afternoon, looked back in the office and told Wayne that there ain’t no way we're gonna have a drag race. Monday afternoon Wayne come by and the track was painted and ready to go. Steve and Myself were running all around everywhere trying to make things work. We opened the gates on Friday the week before the Winston Invitational as a trial run.

Friday afternoon about 6:30 Steve calls me and tells me to come to the office. He said we've got a real problem, he said there are counterfeit tickets out here. There wasn't anything we could do at that point except stop letting people in the gates. At 9:30 that night they went to counting tickets, at that point we had about $32,000 worth of counterfeit tickets. I'm going crazy, he's going crazy, I'm calling some friends of mine.

In our part of the South, you do things a little different than you do all over the country, people don't forget favors and people don’t forget their friends. We had the place swarming with about 60 outlaws, we got about 30 of, let’s say a motorcycle riding group and members of another social group. I also had about 13 of my personal people all roaming the fields out there where you park and all through the pits.

You have to understand that we borrowed every penny that there was to borrow from friends, banks and everywhere else to get into race business. It was mainly my name that was on the line.

We knew what to look for when we opened the gates the next morning. Steve had done a fine job. When you tear the tickets, on our real tickets there were little lines on the inside. You could tell the difference right away.

About a quarter after eight -- four tickets hit the gate. They call me, I get up there and it's 2 guys and 2 girls. They said that they bought the tickets from a boy out in the parking lot. I called on the radio and by that point the boy was grabbed up. We get out there to him. I talk to that boy about those tickets.

He said he bought them for somebody else. I took his word at it; I'm bad about taking people’s word but I'll give him one chance. So I told him to get off the property and I didn't want to see him again or he could buy a ticket and go watch the race. He chose to buy a ticket and said he was going in the race.

I said, “Whatever you do -- do not leave this facility until the race is over with. We take him up to the gate and he buys a ticket and I take the money for those 4 tickets he sold. Well about that time we get another call and I go down to the main gate. There were about 100 people with fake tickets and they're being told that they can't go in.

Down at the pine trees where people camp out they start grabbing people who are selling tickets. The motorcycle group, the other social group, and some of these outlaws I got around and go down there.

They get on through down there about an hour and half later, we've got 16 people that the sheriff is arresting for selling counterfeit tickets. They started hauling some of these people off to the jailhouse.

Now there are probably 500 people at the gate wanting in our race and there wasn't anything that I could do. Steve and I made the decision to let the people in.

Here was the scam. What they did is they had a bunch of gophers out there selling tickets and they would walk back by these 2 men and get more tickets. They wouldn't have but a dozen tickets to themselves. A couple of my friends had grabbed up these 2 guys that were distributing these tickets out, so we put these 2 guys in the back of a car. About that time the boy that had bought that ticket that we told not to leave the track was going around and around the track. So we went over there and we get the boy.

I reach out and grab him and put him in the backseat. He starts arguing with me and so I take the radio and put it in his mouth. That probably messed his teeth up but I had explained to him and told him not to leave that track. So, we got him headed to jail because he had some more tickets in his pocket. We take these 2 boys and go down around the back side of the track about 2 miles and I don't use handcuffs I use tie straps. I take this one boy and put him to a pine tree and tie strapped his legs and his hands and in the process of doing the other one I get his hands tied and he starts kicking and screaming. I reach over there in the back of the car and grab an aluminum baseball bat and pop him in the leg.

It happened to be his knee; it shattered it.

By that time this other one starts cussing and raising hell at me so I grab him by the throat and I happen to have a pair of vice grips in my back pocket from where we were doing some of the work at the back gates. When I grabbed him by the throat his mouth opened up and I reached in to grab him by his throat to mess with him and when I did he jerked his head back it ripped his tongue, not completely out of his mouth but he started bleeding.

So I got two of them tied to the pine trees. We've got to get some information out of these boys so go ahead and take them downtown. So we called for an ambulance to come back down and get them. I gave each one of them a business card in their pockets.

We put a stop to them selling tickets out there in the campgrounds and parking lots.

About 2:30 in the afternoon I get a call for me and Steve to come up there to the office and Chief Byrd is there and I'm telling them a joke about the boy that was in the hospital with the throat all ripped apart and the other boy with the broken knee had gotten out of the hospital with a cast on his leg. He had went down to the magistrates office to take out a warrant on me for attempted murder.

The magistrate looked at him and he handed him my card.

The magistrate told him we've got about 16 of your buddies back there in jail and let me tell you if Roy was going to kill you or try to kill you he would've done it.

We had a great Winston Invitational, we got most of our money back and the race is being done on Sunday and I'm in the tower with T. Wayne Robinson and Dallas Gardner and I was up in the Winston Suite and Wayne's telling me how great it looked and how successful it was.

Dallas said that'll be the last race that we have here and Wayne looked at him and said what's the problem Dallas? He said I'm sure you heard what Roy had done recently and there’s no telling what else he's done and we just don't affiliate ourselves with stuff like that and I said well Dallas you know that I think the world of you and I respect you but down here in the south we do things a lot different than out in California.

The funny thing is – is that when I told him we also found counterfeit tickets for other NHRA events on this same group – he changed his thinking immediately. In fact, we helped catch a few more of them at other events.

#2 Qualifier – Bob "Mad Dog" Glidden
WAR STORIES CLAIM TO FAME – Once Impersonated Wile E. Coyote with a Pro Stocker

First Round - defeated Steve Earwood
Second Round - defeated "Animal" Jim Fuerer

I’m really glad you enjoyed the tiger in the tank from the last round. Some things are just too crazy to not be true. That was one of them.

But, I will say – some of the best war stories didn’t even happen at the track. Most of our best stories happened at the shop.

Etta and I had many years together running up and down the roads chasing this drag racing and she was tough. In fact, I would venture to say she was the one person that intimidated Buster Couch. She intimidated the s#$% out of him. She could give him looks and get in his face. Buster hit one of the boys once, but he didn’t mess with Etta. She was tough. He was afraid of her for some reason.

You have to understand that at least when you are going to the races, you get somewhat of a break. But, when you are at the shop – you are stuck in there. This was at the end of one winter. We were ready to get back out on the road.

I can’t remember exactly why but I had gone outside the shop. I was beating on a clutch with a hammer. The argument had been pretty ugly.

I had gotten a phone call and Etta opened the back door and stuck her head out and had no more than gotten the words out, “You’ve got a phone call,” when the head came off of that hammer.

That head must have traveled 20 yards and nailed her right square between the eyes.

What can you say in a situation like that?

It sure wasn’t funny at the time, but Etta walked around looking like a raccoon for a while.

Some things just don’t come across the right way, but that was one time I just can’t explain. Etta gets a pretty good laugh out of it. 

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FINALS: January 10, 2008