The ESPN2 censors editing Sunday evening's roast of drag racing legend Connie Kalitta will earn their money editing the footage. The event was staged under a special tent on the grounds of O’Reilly Raceway Park in Indianapolis.

Before a packed house of friends, fellow drag racers and drag racing fans, Kalitta withstood the heat of a few friends chosen to tell a few of the not-so-flattering stories from his five decades of drag racing involvement. The proceeds of the event benefitted Racers for Christ.

NHRA announcer Bob Frey emceed the roast and Alan Reinhart served as the roving reporter making his way through the crowd gathering random Kalitta tales.

The ESPN2 censors editing Sunday evening's roast of drag racing legend Connie Kalitta will earn their money editing the footage. The event was staged under a special tent on the grounds of O’Reilly Raceway Park in Indianapolis.

Before a packed house of friends, fellow drag racers and drag racing fans, Kalitta withstood the heat of a few friends chosen to tell a few of the not-so-flattering stories from his five decades of drag racing involvement. The proceeds of the event benefitted Racers for Christ.

NHRA announcer Bob Frey emceed the roast and Alan Reinhart served as the roving reporter making his way through the crowd gathering random Kalitta tales.

The panel of roasters included “Big Daddy” Don Garlits, Jim Head and Chris “The Golden Greek” Karamesines as well as special guest roaster Frank “The Beard” Bradley.

Nobody cut Kalitta any slack, the least of which was Bradley.

“You need to sit there and shut the f%$# up,” Bradley said with a smile as he took the microphone. “When is the last time someone told you that? Your mother 70 years ago?”

Bradley rifled through his notes and come across the starter story, the tale he proclaimed to be his best.

“I went to work for him because I felt sorry for him,” Bradley said. “It wasn’t about money. I just felt sorry for him. I was retired when Connie called me and asked me what I was doing. I told him I was just relaxing and he asked if I would come out and run Scott’s car. He wanted to run his car. I agreed.

“I went over and met him in Phoenix and we unloaded the car. We ran the car up and down the track and Connie hadn’t gotten there yet. We fired the car. It was real cold and the alcohol came out on the headers and caught the [tow car] carpet on fire. Jim O [Oberhofer] ran around there with the fire extinguisher. We got that put out. No problem. We knew we had to use gas the next day.

“Connie showed up the next day and yells, ‘What’s this burnt carpet here? I told him we had a little alcohol run out of there. ‘You guys don’t know how to start this.’

“I said, Jesus Christ here it comes already. Scott’s car is sitting behind Connie’s and Connie’s is in front of the trailer. So, he gets all of his
s%^& out and says, ‘I’ll show these a******* how to start this thing. So he loaded this thing up with alcohol and it kicks back and sputters. It knocked the starter motor off.

Bradley continues his Kalitta impersonation, “Jim O … get that starter off. Jon O … back the motor off.”

Bradley continues, “So they do that. Now he puts more alcohol in it. He hits the starter and me and my son are sitting in front of the car with my fingers in my ears. The guys look and see us and his back is to us. He can’t see us and the guys are laughing. He looks at us and says, f******* them a*******!

“He starts grinding away on this starter. It starts kicking back and he’s bound and determined. He’s got this thing down and it kicks off the pulley and screws up the belt and drive, ruins a lot of s***.

“I looked at him and said, ‘Connie are you sure that’s the way you want it? You’re gonna need a lot of starters if you going to do it this way; and some extra crew guys. I put my arm around him and said, 'it’s okay Connie, we’ll fix this thing'. We get some stuff and we’re fixing this thing. I look in the trailer and here’s Connie with a rat-tail file fixing the warped up, bent up pulley. It’s just ruined. I tell Jim O to get another pulley. We put another pulley on it and pretty soon Connie comes out and he’s awful proud of this piece of s*** pulley. I tell Connie we have a new one and to put that piece of s*** pulley on his car since he was the one who ruined it.

“This is going along okay and pretty soon I took a banner and I ran it from the door in front of Scott’s car and kind of roped the front off. Connie walks up and says, ‘What the f*** is this?’

“I said, ‘that’s the barrier. You stay on that side and we stay on this side. Then he looks at me and says, ‘Just remember a****** I have to come over there to give you your paycheck. I looked at him and said, ‘f*** the paycheck, this ain’t about the money.”

One by one, starting with Garlits, then Head and Karamesines, the  zingers flew like bullets from a machine gun. Then there was an employee testimony from Jim Oberhofer, as well as audience participation from Ed McCulloch. Kalitta’s lawyer, cited attorney-client privilege for the best stories, but still shared some memorable moments.

At the end of the evening, Kalitta took the podium not in his defense but in praise of his racing friends and family.

“This place is full of people, some that are very good friends,” Kalitta said, his voice cracking with emotion. “This is why I come racing. Being a part of racing and being with your peers, respecting them and they respect you, and that comes from the bottom of my heart. That’s why I am here.”

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