For the next three weeks, Torco’s CompetitionPlus.com will conduct its inaugural War Stories Showdown presented by Mach Series Accelerator. The veterans of yarn spinning are paired for what promises to be a series destined to produce the finest behind-the-scenes stories.

Here are the rules –

The field was seeded by reader vote. The participants are paired on the standard NHRA professional eliminations ladder. Each story represents an elimination run for the participant. The readers will judge each war story on the merits of (A) believability and (B) entertainment value. Please do not vote based on popularity. You are the judge and jury and vote accordingly.

Voting lasts for three days per elimination match. Once a driver advances to the next round, they must submit a new war story.

This is an event based on fun and entertainment value, so with that said we’re hoping that we don’t get letters of legal action and a black Crown Victoria in our office parking lot, the latter being directed at Pat Musi and Roy Hill.

This is drag racing with no red-lights, disqualifications and plenty of oil downs minus the clean-ups. Please enjoy as each of our competitors tell their own stories.

December 18, 2007

#4 Qualifier – Don "the Snake" Prudhomme
WAR STORIES CLAIM TO FAME – Once Caught a rabbit bare-handed

I ONCE TICKED OFF GARLITS 

“I always admired Don Garlits for being such a terrific racer. He was kind of a jerk. He was also an unbelievable racer.

“I say a jerk, but back in the day to survive like he did and to come out like he did, you had to be tough. He accomplished that. There were many times we raced and I remember racing back in 1966 at Union Grove, Wisconsin.

“I had driven in 1965 for Roland Leong and I quit that car, which was a mistake. You can be pretty cocky at that age. When I quit driving that car, I signed on with the B&M Torque Master dragster. It had a torque master instead of a clutch and I took the car on tour.

“I ran at Union Grove, Wisconsin, which was one of the more common stops in the day. You saw the regulars like Chris Karemesines and Garlits. I came in as the young California kid. I ran Garlits and as we made it down near the end of the quarter-mile, my car moved over to the centerline. He was moving over and they nearly touched. I ended up beating him on the run. He got out of the car screaming at me and accusing me of trying to kill him. We went back to the pits and I was scared to death. That was Don Garlits. We were pushing the car back and I could hear him in the tow truck behind me.

“‘He tried to kill me. He tried to kill me,’ Garlits was yelling.

“We got back to the pits and I kid you not, I was scared to death. He was still yelling that I had tried to kill him. Chris Karamesines was helping me at that time and he had taken a liking to me. I liked him too. I asked him what I should do.

The Greek’s advice was priceless; he said, ‘Ah screw him.’

“The Greek stood up for me and I figured if Garlits wanted to whip up on me – the Greek was there to take up for me. That was kind of cool. I kind of joined the big boys club from there.

“There are so many stories you can tell about Garlits. He either loved you or hated you and you either loved him or hated him. That’s how he is today.”

WINNER!

#13 Qualifier – Joe "I Used To Drive For The Grump" Lepone, Jr.
WAR STORIES CLAIM TO FAME – Once Embarrased Tony Christian in Bradenton

HERE’S A QUARTER, CALL SOMEONE WHO CARES

This goes back to the days when I ran in the Citrus Nationals and I had a guaranteed appearance. That year, Reher & Morrison couldn’t make it, so the invite was extended to Tony Christian.

We raced the first round on Saturday and I had to run Tony on Sunday in the semis. I was running a decent motor because I had a guarantee and it didn’t make that much of a difference to me if I ran fast or not.

Well Tony brings his 4-year old son out there and introduced him to me.

He said, “This is Joe Lepone, the guy who dad is going to beat tomorrow.”

I said, “Really? Tony, you shouldn’t tell your son that because when I beat you it is going to make you look like a liar. You don’t want him to think you’re a liar do you?”

So, it comes up Sunday and he comes over to me before the run and says, “Hey Lepone, I forget whose turn it is to stage first. I’m also going to call David [Reher] to let him know I beat you.”

I just looked at Tony. I told him, “I don’t know who stages first, but I know it is going to be your turn to try and catch me.”

I made sure I told my crew guy that I was going to burn him down. I always wait and let the other guy do his burnout before I start mine so I can keep my tires hot.

I look over and he’s doing his burnout in reverse. He’s going and going. Finally, Dempsey Hardy had to knock on the window and ask him what he was doing. He had to reach in there and shut the car off.

I’m just sitting over there watching and grinning. Then I start my burnout.

My crew guy asked me what I was going to do. I knew then I was going to run up there and light both bulbs. I went up there and staged. I had an .420 light and he nailed it with an .860. I beat him.

At the end of the run, he was getting out of the car and I walked over and handed him a quarter and said, “Here’s a quarter, tell David I said hello.”

VOTING COMPETED - (W) Lepone (527) def. Prudhomme (305).

WINNER!

#5 Qualifier – Scotty "the Mohawked One" Cannon
WAR STORIES CLAIM TO FAME – Once Picketed By The First Wives Club

HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED 

I found that out after a race in Bristol in the early days of my career. This was when I used to hang around with Clay Hair (former IHRA sportsman champion). Because he used to be a male stripper he usually had a few female admirers following him around. One time one of his girlfriends came up to the truck to say bye to me. The only problem, my first wife was sitting in the passenger seat. She didn’t like it and started asking questions. The accusations were flying as I was driving home.

She didn’t believe a word I said and got angry and started kicking all of the knobs off  the inside of the truck. She even kicked the gear shift. I had to pull over. She went off and I had to pull her out of the truck. My crew chief was following behind and he ran up to see what was going on. We weren’t fighting. I was just trying to calm her down.

Some guy saw what was going on and stopped to get involved. I convinced him it was in his best interest to get back in his car and leave. He did.

I figured when I opened the trailer that she’d be calmed down…wrong answer. I opened the trailer and she came out like a wildcat.

I got her calmed down and we resumed driving before stopping at a steakhouse in Johnson City, Tennessee. I asked her if she wanted to eat and she was still pouting and said no. She wouldn’t go in. I was hungry and I went on in.

Well, my waitress came over and asked if I was driving the truck with the trailer. She had seen me get out. The lady also said there was a woman out there letting the air out of my tires.

I went out there and my wife was taking the air out of the tires. I knew how to fix her. I stuck her in the lounge area of the trailer and locked it. I was going to let her out when we got ready to leave but I was so mad I decided to let her ride home in it. All the way down the mountain I tried to put a tire in the ditch to bounce the trailer around a little. And I did.

I figured when I opened the trailer that she’d be calmed down…wrong answer. I opened the trailer and she came out like a wildcat.

It’s funny now, but it wasn’t back then. The conclusion to the situation wasn't pretty either.

#12 Qualifier - Whit "Don't Call Me Blaze" Bazemore
WAR STORIES CLAIM TO FAME – Always Found Out Things The Hard Way

THE SEAGRAVES BOY IS GONNA GET YOU IN TROUBLE
One of the funniest days of my life was spent with Colbert Seagraves at Rockingham. This was an IHRA race and I was the photographer for R.J. Reynolds. Colbert was Ralph’s son, the guy who was over Winston’s programs in drag racing. We’ve all come a long way since then, but where we were then wasn’t so great. He was always getting in some trouble and I was on the verge (right there beside him).

R.J. Reynolds had brought the CEO of the tobacco company…he might have been President…I forget…the big cheese was there in any case, and things had to be perfect. There was a lot of pressure on everyone.

I can remember once…just to show you how it was, Winston's sports marketing guy Jeff Byrd told me, “Son, if your pictures don’t turn out you’ll never take a picture again.” At the time, I was 18 and never thought that I was ever going to race, so this was the next best thing. When someone tells you something like that, you really don’t want to screw it up. Those were some harsh words.

I knew I was as fired as a person could be – I was doomed.

Anyway, Winston brings in the exec in a van that has a sliding door. Colbert and I end up driving the van through the pits. We hadn’t been drinking - we were totally sober and having a good time…just relieving the stress. We were cruising the pits and passed someone’s gooseneck trailer with the neck sticking out. The van hit that gooseneck and just trashed the door - ripped it clean off. This was the van being used to transport this high-level exec back and forth from Southern Pines to Rockingham.

I can still remember the first words I said…”Holy S%^$.”

I knew I was as fired as a person could be – I was doomed. I knew that even though Colbert was driving, he was okay…he was Ralph’s son and he was covered. We took the van back and parked it at the tower. I got all my camera stuff and walked away, acting like I had never seen that van before in my life.

I never laughed so hard in my life. We were in so much trouble that it didn't even matter.

We had to pay the piper for that one. I was just happy my pictures came out.

VOTING COMPETED - (W)Cannon (718) def. Bazemore (93). 

TOMORROW'S COMPETITION: Bob Glidden versus Steve Earwood; Pat Musi versus "Animal" Jim Fuerer